Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
