Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
