: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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