I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
