I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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