using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
