Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
