pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
