Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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