literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
