I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
