do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
