Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
