I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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