just tell him i said nine months
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
