It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
