You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
