Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
