I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
