I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
