Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
