Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
