phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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