I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
