She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
