I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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