i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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