I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
