the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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