we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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