Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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