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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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