i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Two words: nipple clamps
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