Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
