well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
