Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
