ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
