guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
