Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
