1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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