Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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