sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
