A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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