Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
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He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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