he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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