i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
