You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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