as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
