i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
