can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.