Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.