I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.