I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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