i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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