I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
