I think I won the penis lottery.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
