Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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