He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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